Springtime is such a wonderful time of renewal and hope! It’s also a sad time for me. I’ve had more tears lately. Twenty-nine years ago my 38-year-old brother died in April. Three years ago my mom died in May, and two years ago my beloved husband, Wayne, died in early June. I enjoy the early flowers and watching the budding leaves open on the bushes and trees. I always anticipate getting my hands in the dirt, planting seeds and watching them grow. I guess one could say I’m a mixed bag of emotions right now. Time only eases the pain a little, it doesn’t take it away.
I wrote this prayer in my journal last July, “My love for Wayne was full and wonderful but my love for you, God, must be more. You are enough to fill the emptiness and loneliness of my life. Help me trust you!”
I have struggled with the meaning of what Jesus meant when he said, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37-38). Did I love Wayne more than I loved the Lord? And how do you measure love? After more study of this passage and the preceding verses, it seems Jesus is talking about times when our family may be divided because of our faith. Jesus said he came not to bring peace, but a sword indicating divided loyalties. Thankfully, our family was not divided. Both, Wayne and I (as well as my mom and brother) considered God as our priority in life making our love for each other deeper. Thus, the deep pain.
The last part of that passage mentions the cross we must accept in following Jesus. Jesus repeats these words later in Matthew 16:24-25. “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.’” The cross means giving up self and suffering for the sake of Christ. Yes, my loss is great and the loneliness sometimes intense but God is still worthy of my devotion and trust. I depend on God’s strength for my service to him. His promises offer hope!
Was thinking about that part of John that talks about love and “he who loves is born of God…” Your deep love for husband and family surely is love that literally is God not separate from the love of God. Never thought of it this way before. Thanks for the nudge! Seems as though I have lots more to learn about this. Hugs to you.
Such a thoughtful passage Diana. I can hear your hope and devotion come through this message. Thanks for sharing your struggle so others will know that life goes on through Jesus our savior.
Wonderful